As they called the roasters to the stage this evening, and I saw Cynthia and especially Nora Dunn, I felt more than a twinge of sympathy for Ross Perot's running mate, Admiral Stockdale.

Pat, what in hell am I doing here?

At times like this I'm tempted to respect the immortal advice of Abe Lincoln: Better to keep your mouth shut and appear the fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

So. Thank you and good night.

Perhaps against my better judgment, I am here tonight to pay tribute to Pat Schroeder. I will confess that when I first heard someone say that Pat was retiring, I couldn't believe it. She's not even shy. How could she be retiring?You may know that I was the subject of some scurrilous retirement rumors when the Republicans first took over last year.

I would walk down the hall and hear these freshman Republicans whispering... "There's John Dingell. He's got this huge committee. The knives are out for him. We're going to cut him down to size."

This is a true story. One syndicated columnist ... very close to the Republican leadership ... his name rhymes with "no facts" ... it looks like he's got his own cable channel now, where he gets to complain about liberal bias in the media 24 hours a day...

Anyway, this columnist actually wrote that I would resign my seat because I would find life in a Republican Congress utterly unbearable.

Obviously, he confused me with Bob Dole.

Actually, Novak was half right. This Congress is unbearable. But I'm here to stay.

Let me remind that columnist of an old Polish saying: Before you sell the bear's hide, you first have to shoot the bear.

By the way, Al D'Amato wanted to be one of the roasters tonight, but he leaked all his jokes to the media last week.

Sadly, Pat Schroeder really is retiring. Think of all the wonderful things she's going to miss in our family-friendly Congress: Elegant midnight dinners with Dick Armey. Genteel Oxford-style debates with Bob Dornan. Resume-writing sessions with Wes Cooley. Financial planning seminars with the Waldholtzes. And biology classes taught by Newt Gingrich.

At least Pat Schroeder leaves us with a rich legislative record: The Violence Against Women Act. The Economic Equity Act. And one most of you have never heard of: The Emotional Freedom Act. That's the one that makes tearful Presidential candidates immune from ridicule. (Bob Dole's invoked it three times.)

Nevertheless, Pat, we'll try to soldier on. Let me take a look into my crystal ball. Next January, Bill Clinton will be sworn in for a second term. It will be cold, and there will be about a foot of snow on the ground. The Good Lord, the people of Michigan, and the Democratic Caucus willing, I'll be organizing the Committee on Commerce.

At the very moment we settle down for work, a jet will be reaching for the skies. Pat, you'll be on it with your husband Jim, and your old pal and fellow retiree Charlie Wilson will be on it with ...

Well, whoever Charlie's with, I'm sure she'll be very nice.

Pat, we will miss you. Not quite the same way as the Republicans will miss you, but we will miss you nonetheless. We'll miss the smiley faces in your signature, the bunny suits, your hard work and commitment, and your flair for language. Without you we never would have known whether the President was Teflon or Velcro, or which hawks were really chickens in disguise.

For two decades you've been fighting the good fight, on behalf of women, kids, and all the others looking for nothing more than a fair shake. You've done it with good humor and great grace. You've made a serious business a lot of fun, and for that we will always thank you -- and love you.

Godspeed, Pat. Come back and visit sometime.

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